Galaxies

Dear God, I was terribly lost
When the galaxies crossed
And the sun went dark.
But dear God, You’re the only North Star
I would follow this far.

Oh telescope,
Keep an eye on my only hope,
Lest I blink and get swept off the narrow road,
Hercules, you’ve got nothing to say to me,
‘Cause you’re not the blinding light that I need.
For He is the saving grace of the galaxies (galaxies, galaxies, galaxies, galaxies)
He is the saving grace of the galaxies (galaxies)

Dear God, I was terribly lost
When the galaxies crossed
And the sun went dark
But dear God, You’re the only North Star
I would follow this far.

-Galaxies, Owl City (Adam Young)

Gifted by an incredible family last summer, I got the amazing chance to see Owl City in concert with my best friends. I went into it thinking, “Oh wow! Free tickets to go see the guy that sings ‘Fireflies’ and ‘Vanilla Twilight!’ That’ll be really fun!” I was in no way prepared for what I got to be a part of. What I experienced was another level, entirely.

The first opening band wasn’t much to freak out about, in my opinion (though I’m sure some people loved them!) but Mat Kearney was the second opener, and I was IMPRESSED and he is one of my favorites now. But the wait for the main event took patience…it was worth it.

Buying Owl City’s new album (2 days before the concert, so I could try my best to act like I new every song and was the guy’s biggest fan), turned out to be a really good idea, because I really loved what I was hearing. From the start, “Galaxies” quickly became one of my favorites and I was ready to sing along. When he came out, though, and immediately humbled himself in front of the hundreds of adoring fans I knew he wasn’t just another good singer with a few hits. What followed, turned out to be one big, huge worship experience. I had just found out Adam Young was a Christ-follower on the way to the concert, but as soon as he got into his first song, it was blatantly obvious to me. God gave this guy incredible talent and he knew it, giving full praise and glory to God the entire time he belted out the heartfelt lyrics. He wanted none of the praise for his performance, he wanted it all to go to the One who gave him such amazing musical skills.

His worship was contagious and soon I found myself digging deeper into the lyrics of all the songs, finding deeper meanings and soon I was singing them to God, too. Adam Young spread the love of Jesus through a room full of sweaty young adults all jumping for one of their favorite celebrities performing in the Egyptian Room in downtown Indianapolis. It happens in unlikely places and at unlikely times, but I’m becoming so much more aware of how God works through people and words and performances. And on this late ride home from Indianapolis, I can say that I, for one, am, once again, in awe of not only God’s amazing creations, but I am in awe of God, himself.

“Music is something that is fused to who I am. It allows me to breathe deeply, it lets me feel, imagine, aspire and dream in the most beautiful ways imaginable. Music is something that I can’t imagine living without, and though it means more to me than the world itself, there is something that weighs significantly heavier on the scale of all things valuable and important in my life, that being my relationship with Jesus Christ.”  -Adam Young

So, every single time I listen to one of my favorite songs, I am reminded and encouraged to keep God at the center of my life and to remember that He is truly all I need. Without His grace and love, I would literally be nothing.

Thank you, Jesus, for people like this.

looking back

Obviously it’s been a while since I’ve posted and its also been a long time since I wrote in my journal. Both are things I miss doing. While I was reading over my journal entries from the past year or so, I was amazed to see how much I’ve changed. I am not the same girl I was 18 months ago, at all. The obvious things are different: I’m not 17 anymore, I’m not in high school anymore, I don’t have the same friends anymore, I have new acquaintances, new heroes, new things i find inspiration in. What blows my mind are the changes that have taken place where not many people can see. I suppose those closest to me can see it and notice it, but I don’t know if they know the extreme to which change has happened.

18 months ago, I was not happy. I was horribly sad, angry, so immature, ashamed, desperate,…lost. It’s crazy how fast I became that way, and it’s even crazier how well I kept it hidden from everyone else. Like I said, people closest to me, like my parents and best friends, could see a change in me and knew I was different and that I was distant. But, I, myself, didn’t even see how extreme it really was until I was able to climb out of the hole a little ways and look back on what I had just crawled out of.

Reading over my past journal entries was flat-out scary. I don’t know the girl that wrote those entries anymore and I never want to meet her again! Man, I was mean and selfish and so freaking angry! I think a lot of it came from a place of so much pain and hurt from some experiences that, at the time I wished would just go away. Now, I see that they were necessary to enjoy and  be thankful for the place I’m at now and that without them, I wouldn’t have learned anything that I did. I was such a hypocrite and a liar, hiding what I was really going through and muffling what my heart was screaming out. I think I had allowed myself to be overtaken and controlled by depressive crap that I just lived in it and I wallowed in it, crying out for someone to save me but not really trying to help myself. It could be that I didn’t know how to save myself, but that’s the beauty of God’s love. I’ve heard the stories and lessons and teachings about God all my life, literally since I was born, and like you hear many people say, I heard it but didn’t listen. There’s no way I could be at the place I am now, a place of such love and desire to live the way I was meant to, without truly needing God to come scoop me up and give me wings to break out of the cage I had put myself in. I know people go through unimaginable, terrifying, scarring things everyday all over the world that I will never, ever have to deal with, but for my teenage life, the heartache and emptiness I experienced was pretty devastating. I needed a savior, and still do everyday, but I never knew just what it meant until I was so low that I couldn’t get myself up. It shocks me how fake I was on the outside and how hypocritical I was, sharing the news of God’s unconditional, saving love, when inside, I was literally a stranger to myself, living in such darkness that I didn’t even try to reach out to Him.

I am taken aback all the time at how even though we don’t ever deserve it, and never will, we are forgiven, loved, and saved. I experienced it in a major way and looking over these journal entries just magnifies how desperate for a savior I really was and how frantically I was searching for one. I knew, in the deepest part of my heart that all I needed was Him, but I just could’t see it. Out of His unconditional love, He put people in my life that showed me, guided me, and continue to show me every day, how I can live with such happiness and love people unconditionally, including myself. It’s been amazing to see how much I’ve truly grown and learned and even how much the people I’m close to in my life have changed recently. I wouldn’t be the happy, life-loving, Christ-following, 18-year-old art college student, who finally feels so good about where she is in life, if I hadn’t experienced the pain, sorrow, mercy, and grace I did over the past 18 months. I know I’ll always deal with sadness and, at times, pain, but I’ve never been so secure in who I am and in who God is in my life. And, let me tell you, it’s a GOOD feeling. (:

“When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord,  your God…because you are precious to me. You are honored, and I love you.” Isaiah 43:2-4

muddy.

I’ve realized that this blog thing is going to be an inconsistent, write-whenever-I-get-the-urge kind of thing. For that matter, I don’t check my account…ever…so I’m just now seeing all the amazing, supportive things some of you have been saying and I wanted to apologize for not saying anything until now, but thank you so incredibly much, because your words really encourage me! I obviously haven’t updated this faithfully, but tonight I feel like Iim writing about something that just recently started making a lot of sense to me.

Stuff happens. Stuff that seems bad. Stuff that seems scary…terrible…unbearable. Stuff that can cut you deeper than the sharpest knife and stuff that binds you and consumes your thoughts. There is stuff that causes raw, legitimate pain that we have to confront and deal with, or it will confront and deal with us. It’s messy and dark and muddy. It’s easy to let your pain trap and control you and basically rule your life. Pain can leave us thinking things are shattered and broken…that they can’t be repaired. But there’s this thing called healing. To heal means to restore to health or soundness, to cure, to set right, to repair, to mend something broken. Healing is a process and sometimes it’s a long one. It doesn’t happen overnight, which i think tends to be a common misconception among a lot of people. I’ve had the tendency to believe healing would happen at the snap of my fingers and when it didn’t I felt frustrated and at a loss, with no solution but an easy way out. But the funny thing about healing is that I think sometimes we convince ourselves there is something that’s wrong that needs to be fixed just because we’re feeling pain. We might think something is broken. But in reality, it might not really be broken. Even if that thing that appears broken is you. It’s already fixed. God has already fixed it…God has already fixed you.  Even if you can’t see it in the moment, when it feels like the world is crashing down around you and you still feel broken, God already has it mapped out and He already has your best interest and future in His hands. Even though we still feel the pain and might for a while, it doesn’t mean the healing process isn’t in effect.  God is probably working in you even though you don’t see the results immediately. He has plans we don’t know about and they’re plans to help us, not to harm us (JEREMIAH 29:11! woot woot!). This whole idea that God is in control has brought me the most outstanding peace I could ever ask for.

This is possible because of grace. I’ve been reminded that this gift is granted to us, even when we don’t deserve it, and it guides us out of the darkness, out of the muck, and gives us hope about the clear, refreshing water on the other side of the mud puddle. While trusting and being patient are two of the hardest things for us as people, i think they’re key to solve the conflicts we face. Once we’re able to trust God that he knows exactly what’s best all the time, even when we can’t see it and once we’re able to be patient and wait for changes, even when we get restless and tired, we’ll be able to heal and let God repair our wounds.

I also know that He uses complicated, painful situations we go through as giant learning experiences that can only be clear to us if we go through them. Everything happens for a reason and I believe there’s something good, even if it seems small, that can come out of every hard experience. Whether it’s wisdom or gratefulness or knowledge or perception, God can help us learn all kinds of things through the hardest situations we face. That gives me a sense of peace knowing that even though we deal with things that may seem unfair and things that may crush us and hurt to extreme levels, these things can help us become better people and help others in the long run. God has a mysteriously cool way of working in us and other people.

Trust and  patience.

That’s what I’m going for.

first ever.

First off, I would like to say that when the idea of blogging first came out, I didn’t dig it. At all. It just seemed like an online diary I’d feel obligated to update on a regular basis. Now, with some stuff going on in my life, it seems strangely appealing.  At the moment, it seems like a fabulous outlet for my emotions/feelings. One of my best friends has had one for quite some time and she’s an extremely inspiring person (and blogger), so I want to give this a shot! Seeing as it’s already 1:08, this probably will be a post on the shorter side, but I felt the sudden urge to get this going now!

Some big things have recently changed in my life. These changes are for the better and I know it, but at times I’m finding myself second-guessing the confidence I feel about these differences. Then I remember that I’m human, and it happens. Like any changes in life, I think they’re really weird at first and like anything weird and new, we push against it and shy away from the idea of anything comfortable changing. I’m fairly certain that breaking out of the comfortable mold we’ve fit into can be one of the scariest things we face in life. When you know a change needs to happen, I think it’s just a matter of finding the strength and courage in yourself to make it happen.  And man, when you do, it’s terrifying…but you soon find out it’s fulfilling and renewing and right.

Changes pertaining to relationships can be particularly terrifying. A wise guy once said I don’t want a relationship that revolves around me. I want one that revolves around us doing what God wants for us, (Jason Miller). A famous concept around my church is that you have to find who you are and exactly who you are in Christ before you can have a Christ-centered, wholesome, real relationship with someone. Lately at GSM, we’ve been talking about how being connected to someone who doesn’t share your values, goals, ambitions, beliefs, etc. can be detrimental to you and those around  you. Who I am in God is who I am. I’m not me because of someone else. I think I’m really understanding that finding our identity in God and not losing sight of that is at the center of loving Him, loving others, and loving ourselves. I feel like a dry sponge and I’m ready to soak up newfound ideas and rediscovered truth. A little cliche, but hey, it’s true. (:

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray  to me, and i will listen to  you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” -Jeremiah 29:11-13

I’m ready to trust and find renewal.